My body would shake and I’d be so desperate to get into whatever food I had as fast as humanly possible that I’d usually end up eating an entire large bag of candy on the drive home before continuing to eat until I was sick once I got home.Īfter awhile I started noticing that it literally felt like a hole in the center of my being that I was frantically trying to fill-unsuccessfully.
WALLPAPER I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU HOW TO
I spent a lot of time with my therapist, and he never really gave me answer for what was wrong with me (beyond the eating disorder) or how to fix it. What was wrong with me? I wanted a perfect body so desperately why couldn’t I just eat what I was supposed to eat?! The more out of control I felt, the worse I felt about myself and treated my body.ĭepression, panic attacks, bingeing, and restricting/over exercising (those were my compensatory behaviors) took over my world.
The harder I tried to control my intake, the more out of control I became.
Within a few months, I was sitting in a therapist’s office hearing him call me bulimic while I bawled hysterically and begged him to tell me how to stop feeling so completely out of control with food. The next day, I barely ate anything and ran for about two hours to punish myself for being such a pig the day prior. I white knuckled my way through four whole days before I found myself at the grocery store feeling much like I’d imagine a junkie feels as their high begins to wear off. So, I did the only thing I knew to do at the time-pay someone else to tell me what to eat so I could have a perfect body and finally be happy. Prior to the day of my first binge, I had actually lost a lot of weight on my own, simply by counting calories, but I hired a trainer because, while I reached my goal weight on my own, I still hated my body and wasn’t happy. I had dieted on and off most of my life, but any time I tried a diet that told me what I was and wasn’t allowed to eat (Atkins was the first of many), I never managed to last longer than a day or two before I’d “blow it” and give up. It was four days in to the first official diet that I had somehow managed to stay on for more than one day. Little did I know how much worse it would get. I remember looking at the nutrition information on the bag of jujubes I had just eaten and feeling utterly and completely disgusted with myself. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. “Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough.
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